hey melanie,

there’s so much you can do.

I’ve seen those animal cruelty commercials and I just can’t help but feel bad about myself. “What can I do?” THERE’S A LOT but picking one that I can truly mentally and physically commit to is the problem.

It’s weird how this is a problem for me. I want to give back to the world for letting me live. I realize that life isn’t that bad, so in return I would like to do something. But what??

What I kind of realize too is that there’s so many shitty things that’s going on around the world (DUH melanie) but what can I do?? I’m just one person.

What can I do to make a difference in my one person kind of way.

unfinished beer.

Today after work I went to BJs to drink a beer - by myself.

I emphasized “by myself” because I never done anything like that ever before in my life. It’s pretty enlightening. 

I guess you can say I had a bad day. Not with work but with the social life. One of my insecurities (talking incorrectly or sounding dumb when I talk) really got to me today. I couldn’t tolerate my friends’ laughter so I kind of snapped at them to give them a taste of their own medicine. It was the wrong way to do it but that was the only thing i can think of at that moment. Later on that day, they stopped by at my work but I couldn’t say much. My reason? I didn’t want to say anything to them. I was still upset.

Usually when my friends laugh at me about something I said I would just take it and quiet myself for the rest of the time. That’s the reason why I wouldn’t talk that much whenever i’m around them. Outside of my circle, i could be very talkative which i think is…. I don’t know.. I can’t think of the words to explain…

While I was at the bar I was texting my best friend, she apologized which made me teary eyed. I wanted to cry at that moment but I held in because I was in a public place. A girl crying at the bar by herself wouldn’t paint a pretty picture to some. Instead, I smiled realizing that there is some emotional connection between the girls. I just didn’t see it until now.

I drank one and a half beers at the bar. When I got to my car I felt like throwing up, talk about low tolerance. On my way home, there were cars surrounding a whole block so I had to drive around the chaos. I was driving kind of under the influence. Don’t ever do that. Luckily, I made it home safe. 

Here I am at 1:30AM. I have work in the morning at 10AM, it’s okay though because i’m still kind of buzzed and i’m planning to take a nap right after. Everything will be okay.

Thank You Universe.

Today I received an email from one of the places that I applied to. They were asking to reply back if you’re still interested in the job position. At first, I was excited that I actually got a call/email back but then i saw….

“Hello Danielle”

This email was definitely not to me but I email back anyway saying “Hello this is actually Melanie. If this email is only for Danielle then i’ll disregard it. If not, i’m still interested in the job position.”

An hour later they replied back saying, “Thank You.”

The universe can be cruel sometimes. Such a big bully.  

career change.

I don’t know where this came from but my Dad told me I should have majored in occupational therapy. According to him, there is no career for a psychology major with a B.A. degree.

What am I going to do?

It’s not like I haven’t thought about it. This major is too vague, so finding a job can be quite difficult, especially someone who lacks the right experience. Sure, I volunteered at a psychiatric hospital for 3 months, and peer advising for the a semester in college but what else do I got? Nothing. I hate to think I don’t have a chance in the real world. I don’t want to be in that direction. 

I remember having this talk to my coworker, Filippo, at school. All he said was to stay positive. I’m trying but it’s really hard when you have people around you thinking that you don’t the right stuff to make it. 

The reason why I chose this major is to help people mentally and increase their self worth. I don’t want anyone to feel this kind of pain and fear that’s going through me right now. It’s upsetting and it’s making me lose hope.

The problem with my dad is that all our conversations ends up with us arguing and trying to speak louder than the other. I just withdrew and came here. It was not worth yelling about. I will confront sooner or later, I just need to think it out for now. Every time I ask him why he always sounds mad whenever we talk about something he gets offended which makes him more mad. It’s never ending.

Has anyone else been in this situation with their parents?? what did you guys do??

post thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving was alright. For me, it’s just another regular day but with a lot of pies.

I didn’t go black friday shopping like i did last year (i bought a camera!) because I had work this weekend ALL MORNING SHIFTS. I can’t complain, it wasn’t the usually chaos that I had to deal with every weekend. You know, rude customers asking for the weirdest request and your boss on stepping on your tippy toes over the small stuff. 

Now that I think of it, I really was on a mini vacay.

I’m still tired though. My eye bags look like they’re getting darker. I feel like I have been getting full 8 hours, so why do I look like a zombie? I hate the cold weather.

Tomorrow is back to school, I have 2-3 more weeks until the semester is over. I’ll be graduating in may. My decision to attend the ceremony was based on if I’m graduating with honors. NOPE! You need at least a 3.4, I have a 3.0. Kinda close. I must admit, this has been my highest GPA ever! I was such a bad student during elementary and high school, I never got close to a 3.0 until now. It looks like it’s about to get higher after this semester too. Here’s to hoping.

More updates coming soon. I know it’s been awhile since I wrote on this thing but since I got an email saying someone else is following me, I was thinking, “Wow, a stranger might be reading this. I got to keep them entertained.”

Here’s to you stranger.

loneliness.

I admit, I’m very lonely. I miss the companionship of a guy. Moreover, I miss kissing a guy.

Am I really that picky? I can’t date a guy if i’m not attracted to him in the first place. I like that sudden connection/chemistry. It’s amazing.

I keep reminding myself that the wait is worth it but i’m starting to get impatient and anxious. Where is the next one??

I hate this post. It’s really lame but i’m going to publish it anyway. I know i’m not the only one who feels like this whenever we feel lonely. Whatever.

still need to catch up.

I’ve been either busy or sleepy to blog about my life. I apologize.

Last week I indirectly got in trouble at the peer advising center that I volunteer at. Everyone got an email from the professor about a “distraught” student saying that she got false information about grad school. Even though she emailed everyone, I felt her frustration going directly towards me. It’s weird but the professor is very intimidating so of course I felt like peeing in my pants after reading it. 

Two days ago, the person that I work with at the center asked me if it was me that the professor was talking about in the email. I lied. I’m planning to see the professor today for my evaluation. Hopefully she doesn’t bring it up today.

On a lighter note, I got to see my friends the past couple of days. It was great seeing them. I miss them all and i’m glad I got to see them even though we’re all super busy. One friend is leaving for Hawaii again this December, so I have to hangout with her as much as possible before she leaves. 

I’m applying for Psychology Honors. I don’t think I have the qualifications for it but i’m just doing it for the hell of it. Who knows, maybe I am qualified. We’ll see what happens. 

catching up on reading.

I feel like I haven’t written in here for awhile. Last time I wrote here I was dealing with a minor social problem. Everything is resolved, kind of. Well it’s enough for me to move on and not worry about it.

It’s the second week of school and i’m already behind in my reading. I also have two assignments due next week for my Clinical Psych class. The goal for that assignment is to not do it last minute. I’ll keep you updated if I do keep my promise. I also sent in my resume for a Student Assistant position for the Social Work Department at school. I will be shocked if I at least get an interview, i’ll laugh if I get the job. The reason why I rarely apply for jobs associating with office duties is because I lack experience, so why bother right?? Well i’m feeling very “carpe diem” about this. It won’t hurt me if I try.

Belittling.

Who am I to look down on people for being cool. Yes I mean “COOL”! Last night I made fun of someone for knowing someone famous. Well I didn’t mean it to sound like i’m making fun of the person but it came out that way. I feel bad. 

Yes I hate too cool people only because they look down on the rest of us. That’s why i’m being so hard on myself about this because i’m just like them minus the cool part. I definitely have the judgy eyes going on and it needs to stop.

I need to work on being nice to others even if they’re not showing same gesture. I need improvement in my life. 

Today was the first day of school. Not so bad. My goal this semester is to get a 3.0 or better. A lot of my classes have group and oral presentations which i’m actually looking forward because i want to work on my speech and how i present myself towards others. I’m looking forward to this semester.

repression.

I just thought of an embarrassing moment that I had in junior high.

I was at a classmate’s birthday party and majority of the time I was kissing my ex-boyfriend. The parents and my fellow peers saw the whole thing. At first I didn’t care but later on I kind of realized that it was a big deal. I was in 8th grade when this happened. Ever since then that memory pops up here and there. I don’t know why but it does. It needs to be stopped. 

This is one of the memories from my past that haunt me everyday. Repression is not doing it’s job anymore. Or perhaps it is and my conscious is telling me that I need to toughen up and get over these memories? “These memories are no longer dangerous to you!” Easier said than done. How can I get rid of it?? Anyone know??

I’m waiting for the answer in one my classes. I’m serious. 

On the brighter note, I went SUPing (Stand Up Paddling) today. It was so much fun. I wouldn’t mind making this a hobby. I wouldn’t mind spending 20 dollars once a month for it.